Chapter 12. In vino veritas

"Amy, sweetest?" said Rupert.
"Yes, dear Rupert?"
They were in the library. Strictly talking was illegal but the rule wasn't rigorously enforced for the senior years.
"Can you find out for me who Jade and Olivia are hanging around with?"
"Why do you want to know, dearest Rupert?"
"Oh, I'm curious about these things. Burning with eagerness to find out the girls' gossip." said Rupert.
"Well it's blonde Mary, as the first years call her, and the sidekick Mandy." said Amy.
"What do they see in her?" asked Rupert.
"Dollar signs" said Amy.
"I've got money" said Rupert, mock petulantly.
"I know you have sweetest" said Amy, making up to him, "but it's all in the bank of Mummy and Daddy. Only the crumbs for Rupert, until he grows up."
"I dare say blonde Mary doesn't have her own chequeing account either" said Rupert, "what do they have that I don't have, for them to be friends with me?" said Rupert.
"Oh Rupert, stop it." said Amy, "If you must know, blonde Mary supplies hashish on a pro bono basis, and Mandy is the fall guy in case anything goes wrong."
"What are you reading, Amy?"
"The 12 Secrets of Highly Effective People", said Amy.
"Ovid's Metamorphoses" said Rupert.
"In Latin?"
"Of course."
"Oh look, here's Abbey, my enemy. She should just wait until I'm a prefect next year." said Amy.
They fell silent to avoid Abagail overhearing any more of their conversation.

"Thanks for supporting me, Albert" said Adam.
"Look, I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that you were right all along." said Albert, "What if I got caught like short Mary? What if my parents got to hear about it? They'd be mortified."
"Well Fr Abbot seems to have let short Mary get away with it" said Adam.
"Maybe if he'd have heard your speech he'd have sent her to jail." said Albert. "Maybe" said Adam, "I think I get too worked up. Good speakers are cool and collected."
"Hitler wasn't" said Albert.
The two boys laughed.
"Back to the archery" said Adam.
"We need to get the others on board" said Albert.
They set up a target consisting of a plywood board with a bullseye painted on it. The initial results were disappointing. Neither of them could hit the board, let alone the bullseye, from any sort of reasonable distance.
"We'll get better with practice" said Albert, "the English archers used to do a hour every Sunday."
"Every time the arrow lands, it get blunter" complained Adam.
"No problem" said Albert, "just turn them again on the lathe". Eventually Albert got a shot. The arrow smashed through the plywood board, and was fixed halfway through.
"Way hey!" said Adam.
"That's a powerful arrow" said Albert. "plywood's no good. We need a solid target."
With some difficulty he cut the board with a hacksaw and extracted the arrow.
"What we really need to know is how far it will go into flesh at a hundred paces." said Albert.
"Hush" said Adam, "Br Peter will hear you."
"Archery successful boys?" said Br Peter, coming to inspect the damage.
"We're just getting the hang of it, Sir" said Albert.
"How's the lobster pot?" asked Br Peter.
"Finished." said Albert.
"Then you should catch a lobster. Though in these parts it's more likely to be a crab." said Br Peter.
"I can't Sir" said Albert, "It's a bit embarrassing, with the boat and all that."
"Oh, I wouldn't let a little thing like that worry you" said Br Peter, "Everyone will have forgotten that trip by now. Besides, it was my boat that you borrowed."
"Your boat?" asked Albert.
"I made it, with my own hands" smiled Br Peter, "if you're wondering what we do in the summer holidays, that's what. Fr Abbot uses me as the community general carpenter."
"I'm so sorry" said Albert.
"At least you brought it back in one piece." said Br Peter, "Get some of the seniors to take you out crabbing. As for these bows, not a bad job, not a bad job at all. It's a lot harder to make a decent bow than it looks."
He took the bow from Albert and flexed it.
"Should fly nicely. We'll have an archery competition sometimes."

"If we can get the other first years off the dope" said Adam, after he had left.
"Look Adam" said Albert, "I agree with you. But I'm not ready to tell the others yet. Don't expect me to join you, not just yet anyway."
Free time was up, and they went back to the school.

They were back in Br Jumbo's maths class.
"What's a natural logarithm, Sir?" asked James, "see, on my calculator it says log ten and ln. Why do you have two?"
"Log to the base ten is because we have ten finger. No other reason" said Br Jumbo.
"But what's a natural logarithm, then?" asked James.
"You do not need to know this, just the logarithm." said Br Jumbo, "But I will tell you. Natural logarithm is logarithm to the base e."
"What does e stand for?" asked Adam.
"e for Euler, the man who invented this." said Br Jumbo.
James pressed the buttons on his calculator.
"2.718281828459045 it's like PI, it goes on forever." he said.
"It is irrational" said Br Jumbo.
"Like Adam," said Cecilia, "Adam is irrational."
Adam flushed.
"Let's not have the cheeking" said Br Jumbo.
"I know what it is," said Albert.
"Natural logarithm is not on the examination" said Br Jumbo, "and is too difficult for you now. We need practise the multiplication and division with normal logarithm."
"Oh, go on, Br James" said James.
"Very well," said Br Jumbo, "Albert, go to the white board."
Albert went to the white board and wrote up

1 + 1/1! + 1/2! + 1/3! + 1/4! + 1/5! ....

Br Jumbo went to the board and rubbed out the initial 1. He replaced it with

1/0!

"0 factorial is one. 0 times itself 0 times is one, but I do not expect you to understand this. This is the Euler number. Albert knows it. Now if you like we can explain what is the natural logarithm." said Br Jumbo.
"This is a bit beyond me" said blonde Mary.
"If it is not on the examination, it's a waste of time" said short Mary.
"No, I didn't say that, Mary" said blonde Mary, "I said it was beyond me, not a waste of time for the others."
"There's more to life than passing exams" said Cecilia.
"Much more", said blonde Mary, "you just don't get it, do you, Mary?"

Br Jumbo was taken aback by the hostility in blonde Mary's tone.
"Mary is right" he said, ambiguously, "we proceed with the multiplication by logarithms exercise. Turn to page 46 in your books."
Short Mary sensed that for some reason she was unpopular with the rest of the class, including those with no interest in natural logarithms. Br Jumbo talking on was much more enjoyable than doing multiplications and divisions by logs. There were more for prep. It was a tedious exercise. Even Albert, who could munch through maths problems like a machine, was bored with it.

The next day, at lunchtime, all the children came to the woodwork shed to admire Adam and Albert's new bows.
"We can get a range of about 400 feet ", Albert said, "but that's by shooting at 45 degrees. You can't get any accuracy that way. I'd say a hundred feet is reasonable."
James gave it a try, and immediately shot an arrow into the centre of the target.
"Cool".
"You could kill someone with that" said Abagail.
"Not allowed to" said Adam, "Br Peter made us promise never to point an arrow at another child, even as a joke. Abbey, you have a go."
Abagail strained at the arrow.
"The draw strength is too high for her" said Albert.
She struggled and shot off an arrow, but it flew wide of the mark.
"We'll measure you up" said Albert, "Cecilia?"
Cecilia was better, missing the target but not by a long way.
"See how far it goes" said Albert.
"I'm not Diana the huntress" said blonde Mary, "archery isn't for a girl like me."
Mandy also shook her head, following blonde Mary.
"Mary?" asked Adam, offering the bow to short Mary.
"No."
"You don't have to do everything that blonde Mary says" said Abagail, "you're pathetic sometimes, Mary."
"Look, I don't want to do it" said short Mary, "is that not OK?"
Blonde Mary smiled.
Albert hurriedly gave the bow to Sebastian.
"St Sebastian my namesake was shot with arrows" he said, "maybe I should be target instead of shooter"
. However he hit the target. Ibrahim tried last and missed.
"Never mind" said Adam, "I can't get it either."
"It comes with practice" said Albert, "and I think you might be a bit over-drawn."
Rupert meanwhile was checking out Mandy and blonde Mary. With the pretext of talking to Amy he was spending a lot of time in the girls' calefactory. He noticed that the two went up to the dorm together a lot, where of course he could not follow.
"They'll keep their stash in the dorm, the idiots" he thought to himself. The question was what to do about it.
The next morning, he absented himself from Sexte, and sneaked into the first year girls' dorm. He knew where the drugs would be, somewhere near the toilet. He found them easily enough.
"If I just flush these away they'll get new supplies pretty soon" he thought, "and I can't exactly shop them to Fr Abbot. I wonder if Adam will do it for me. He's pretty militantly anti-drug. Shame I managed to fall out with him at the beginning of term."
He checked all round the dorm. It was similar to a boys', only more neatly decorated. There was even a vase of flowers, provided by Matron. However it was dangerous to be there. If caught, people could conclude anything. So he left, and rejoined the school after the office, giving the excuse that he'd just gone to the next class by accident, don't know how I could have been so stupid, which Br Bernard accepted.

"Adam" Rupert said.
"What the hell is it?" said Adam, immediately cautious.
"Your speech was good, you're a good debater" said Rupert.
"Why thank you" said Adam.
"I suppose you deserve to know whose responsible for the drug problem at St Tom's. Well it's your year. Mandy and blonde Mary. They keep the drugs in the cistern of the toilet in their dormitory. Do what you want with this information."
"You're not telling me anything new, Rupert" said Adam, not entirely truthfully, "But why not shop them, if you feel so strongly about it?"
"Fr Abbot would thank you for it" said Rupert, "think of the wrecked lives you could save."
"I'll think about it" said Adam.
"If you know about it, and say nothing, you are complicit" said Rupert.
"You are complicit then" said Adam.
"The difference" said Rupert, "is that I don't agree with you on the evils of cannabis. But I respect you for your position, Adam, I really do. Everyone respects you."
However the taboo against sneaking was so strong that even Rupert could not break it down. Eventually he had to admit defeat. It was time for a more drastic plan.

He waited until the evening, and went to the girl's calefactory to talk to Amy, as usual. This time, however, he brought a plastic bag containing some bottles, which were swaddled with more plastic so it wasn't obvious what they were. In fact they contained whiskey.
"Malt, too" he thought to himself, "what a waste."
When the news came on television, which bored blonde Mary, she and Mandy went up to the dorm, as they quite often did. Abagail, Cecilia and short Mary were still in the calefactory, short Mary looking very down in the dumps as Cecilia and Abagail chatted.
Rupert took his chance, and went up the stairs to the first year dormitory. He deliberately stepped heavily on the staircase.
"That was a man" said Mandy, sensitised to such things.
"It's a bust," said blonde Mary, "I know it's a bust. Quick, into the toilet."
The girls locked themselves in the toilet cubicle.
Rupert entered the dormitory. His plan was working perfectly.
There was a wooden chair, which he dragged under the door handle of the toilet, where it blocked the handle from going into the down position. The girls were trapped. The toilet flushed as they realised what was happening.
Rupert then poured the whiskey all over the chair, and over the carpet. Then he threw on a match, and made his escape.

The smoke alarm went off almost immediately, and there was general panic. Matron was in a meeting with Fr Abbot at the time, so two minutes were lost. She assumed of course that the alarm had been set off as a prank, so she was annoyed as she assembled the girls in the yard. The boys also had to be counted. It was bad time for a drill, because it wasn't possible to know where everyone was supposed to be.
"Mary O Rourke and Mandy Campbell missing" said Matron, "does anyone know if they went to the beach?"
Adam caught sight of Rupert's eye.
"They're in the dorm" he said, to James.
"How do you know?" said James.
"I just know" said Adam.
"No harm to check" said James, and the two boys scooted off before anyone could stop them.
As they arrived, the window to the toilet in the first year girl's dorm was smashed. Glass tinkled to the floor. However it was too small to permit a girl to climb out of it.
"You can't get out that way" shouted James, "get to the fire escape."
Mandy screamed.
"They're trapped" said Adam.
"Don't talk, come" said James, and leapt onto the fire escape. Adam followed him. James took his blazer off and smashed in the window leading to the dorm. Acrid smoke billowed out. James put the blazer over the broken shards of glass, and climbed in, landing on Abagails' bed, which fortunately was not yet ablaze. However the next bed was. They couldn't see for the smoke. James went in. Adam tried to follow, but was overcome by the fear of the smoke, and the only half protected glass.
"James" he called.
James was floundering. He could hardly see anything, and his lungs filled with smoke. However he knew the way to the toilet door. It was only a matter of a yard.
"James, Adam, you idiots, come out at once".
It was Br Dominic, racing for the fire escape. However he could hear Mandy's screams from the window. He realised at once that his long, flowing Benedictine habit would catch fire, so he had to use precious seconds stripping it off.
James saw that there was some kind of burning framework that appeared to be blocking the toilet. He kicked it away with his foot, the plastic sole of his shoe melting slightly as it hit the burning wood. Then he felt in the blinding smoke for the toilet door handle. He found it easily. It was painfully hot.
"Is James in there?" Br Dominic was up the fire escape. He had to make an immediate decision.
"Adam, hold my hand"
He dived into the dormitory, with one hand held by Adam so he could get his way back. "James, take hold of my hand".
By now Mandy and blonde Mary were out. The three males formed a human chain, and Mandy and then blonde Mary were passed out, first to James, then to Br Dominic, and were finally received by Adam and dragged to the safety of the fire escape. James was next out, coughing and spluttering, then Br Dominic. At that point a group of prefects and monks, with masks on and armed with fire extinguishers, broke through the door and started tackling the fire.
"Are we all safe?" said Br Dominic, "Adam and James, that was so stupid. But the main thing is that everybody is out."
"Sorry James" said Adam, "I saw the smoke and I ..."
"Never mind" said James, generously, and the two boys were friends again.

All four were sent to the sick bay, but Adam was discharged within a few minutes. James was the worst affected, his lungs filled with smoke.
"He'll never be quite the healthy boy he was before" said the doctor, who came to examine them later, "the lung can't recover from smoke inhalation".
“Where does it hurt, James?” asked Adam.
“All over my chest” said James, “it feels dry and sore, and every breath is rough, as thought he air had sand in it”.
Adam laid hands on him.
“You were brave, James”, he said, “you rescued others. Now may the Lord rescue you in your distress.”
“Thanks, Adam” said James, “it feels better already.”

After Mass the next morning Fr Abbot publicly thanked Br Dominic for saving four children. James didn't get a mention.
"St Tom's prefers live cowards to dead heroes" said Sebastian, "everyone knows that it was you with some help from Adam who saved Mandy and blonde Mary."
A huge bunch of flowers for James arrived from blonde Mary's mother, who of course had been told of the incident. There was also a box of very nice chocolates for Adam, so at least they got some recognition. Br Dominic accepted a bottle of finest malt whiskey, which he had to share with the other monks, because all things were held in common. Within a couple of days, James was out.

The girls' dormitory was out of action. Girls were not allowed within the monastery proper. Therefore the boys were moved to a spare cell in the monastery, whilst the girls took over their dormitory, whilst their own was put back into a liveable condition. Fortunately the damage was contained largely to one room. The fire investigator was called, and was distinctly puzzled. He realised that Mandy and blonde Mary were not being straight with him when it came to an account of what had happened, and James seemed highly confused. He concluded that they had been playing with setting light to alcohol, and then for some reason locked themselves in the toilet, which was the report he gave to Fr Abbot. Since there were no fatalities or serious injuries, and damage was minor, the investigation didn't get the priority that in truth it deserved, and the investigator left dissatisfied.
"I tried to tell him that the toilet was blocked by a chair" said James, "and he just said a chair wasn't heavy enough."
"Well how did it block blonde Mary and Mandy in?" asked Adam, "Why didn't they just go to the fire escape?"
"I don't know" said James, "I couldn't see."
It was Albert who got the solution.
"You put a chair under the handle, and it blocks the handle going down. Result, someone trapped in the toilet."
"You mean?" said James.
"Then the chair burns away, and no-one realises what you have done." Albert continued.
"So it was done deliberately?" said James.
"That's about the size of it. But since you kicked the chair away, and you couldn't see it clearly anyway through all the smoke, who's to prove it?" Albert concluded.
Adam went away with a sickening feeling in his stomach.

"Rupert is so evil, he's a potential murderer" he said to Abagail.
"You hypocrite, Adam" was Abagail's only response.

"Get that gas cylinder out of the dorm" Adam told Albert, "who knows what might happen if Rupert tries it again?"
"Good point" said Albert, "but how do you know it was Rupert?"
"I just know" said Adam.
"How do you 'just know'?"
"From the way he's been behaving" Adam said, "he tried to get me shop Mandy and blonde Mary to Fr Abbot. All in all he's taking too much interest in them. Then I caught his eye as we all stood in line for the register during the fire. Guilty as hell."
"You might be right" said Albert, "but that won't stand up."
"I know," said Adam.

Adam had already told Abagail about their stash of wine. Albert removed the gas cylinder and James' knife, but left the bottles. There was nowhere much in the monk's cell to conceal things. It was spartan in the extreme. Five beds were pulled in where there had been only one, and the desk taken out to make room. However as compensation they were allowed the use of another cell adjacent to it, where they put their personal belongings. Albert hid their contraband in a big tin which he put to the back of a chest of drawers. It wasn't ideal but it was reasonably secure.
"They won't know whether it is ours or theirs" he said. The washing facilities were down the corridor. The monks' shower, Adam noted, was quite a bit warmer than the one they had been using. Monks had some privileges.
The worst was they had to get up earlier, for Prime. If you had a cell in the monastery, you said Prime, no exception was made for them. It was tiring, and they found themselves going to bed immediately after Compline.
There was no reporting to Br Dominic.
"We're monks now" said Adam.
"I couldn't live like this" said James, "not week in, week out, for all my life. I need my bedroom with its warm duvet, and the model aeroplanes hanging from the ceiling, and a glass of milk when I want it."
"Homesick?" asked Adam.
"Kind of" admitted James.
"You've left it a bit late, haven't you? Not long to go now." said Adam. Another nice thing about the monastery proper was the library. This wasn't a room. Books were lined along the corridor to the chapel. There was a section titled "useful arts" which included volumes on beekeeping. Then there were lives of saints, theology, moral philosophy, history sacred and profane, books in Hebrew and books in Latin, a book, on its own desk and secured by a chain, which was handwritten in some indecipherable script.
"Who would have thought that there could be so many books, on subjects so abstruse?" thought Adam. With the exception of the handwritten book, you could just take them back to the cell. Adam found a tome on St Teresa of Avila, and read it through. Sebastian tried a biography of GK Chesterton. James took down a thick volume of "The theology of love" and amused the others by reading bits out. Nothing was forbidden to them, and they could spend as long as they wanted there, talking in almost complete privacy. No other pupils came in, though occasionally they saw a wandering monk, deep in his dusty books, browsing the titles for the piece of information wanted.
"I would take forever to read through this lot" said Adam.
Albert had found a book on brewing beer.
"I wonder" he said, "could we set up a secret brewery?"
"It's something to think about" said Adam, "Our wine has gone to the ladies."

Adam had told Abagail about the secret compartment under the carpet, and the stash of wine, long before the fire. Pretty much the first thing the girls did on settling in was to roll the carpet back and uncover it.
"The rotters" said Cecilia, "they had all this lot, and they never shared. There are tons of bottles in here. Where did they get them from?"
"Smuggled out of the kitchen" said Abagail. "You're right, Cecilia. Let's have a party."
Abagail set an alarm for two O'Clock in the morning, and placed the watch under her pillow. She wondered whether or not to wake short Mary, but in the end decided to include her. All girls were swiftly awake, a torch was lit, and they sat on the floor of the dorm in nightdresses and pajamas.
"I've still got some dope" said Cecilia, "but only enough for one joint."
"Not in the dorm" said blonde Mary, "too risky."
"I'm getting a new stash tomorrow" said Mandy.
"We can do without dope" said Abagail, "wine should be enough." She unscrewed the bottle. "Here's to our hero, James."
"To James" said the girls, and clinked toothbrush beakers.
"This is nice" said blonde Mary, "is it communion wine?"
"No" said Abagail, "it was meant for our parents."
"My Mum used to drink it mixed with Coca-Cola" said Mandy, "said it made in drinkable."
"I've never heard of that." said Cecilia.
"It's what you do with three pound plonk" said short Mary, "the winos do it because even they can't drink it straight."
Mandy winced.
"Have more" said Cecilia, and poured large measures, opening another bottle when the first ran out. "You know, Cecilia, I like you so much" said Mandy.
"Funny way of showing it" said short Mary.
"Oh, that was all ages ago" said Cecilia, "I thought we were friends now. Mary, stop stirring things."
"No one has liked me so much as when I came here." said Mandy.
"You've really found your feet" said Abagail.
"We love you, don't we Mandy?" said blonde Mary.
"James obviously thinks you're worth saving" said Abagail, "and Mary too."
"And Adam" said Cecilia, "he was in there as well."
"Adam sneaked on me to Fr Abbot" said short Mary.
"No he did not" said Abagail, "you brought that on yourself."
"Everyone was smoking, but only I got caught. It must have been a sneak." said short Mary.
"So why would Adam do that, I wonder?" said blonde Mary, "why sneak on you out of all the other girls?"
"Because" said short Mary.
"Because you're a stuck up and priggish cow" said Mandy.
"Mandy!" said Abagail, "besides, he didn't."
"How do you know he didn't?" asked Mandy.
"My brother doesn't do things like that." said Abagail,
"The fact is" said short Mary, "someone got me into trouble. And if it wasn't Adam, who was it?"
"It was all of us" said blonde Mary, "all of us girls, anyway. We're fed up of you, and we thought it was time to teach you a lesson. The boys think that too."
"I was wondering whether to wake you or leave you out" said Abagail, "and I decided to wake you, Mary. I made a mistake. You just spoil things, and you're spoiling things now."
Tears began to sting at short Mary's eyes.
"Cry-baby" said Abagail.
"Just like Adam." said short Mary.
Furiously Abagail punched her and slapped her two or three times round the face. Mandy and blonde Mary smiled.
"Your turn now, if you want to" said blonde Mary to Mandy.
Mandy raised her hand, and short Mary cowered back in fear. Tears of physical hurt and humiliation streaked her face.
"Oh my God" said Cecilia, "Mandy, you can't hit people and get away with it. You just can't."
"Then make that bitch apologise for everything she has done over the last ten weeks" said Mandy.
"Let's have more wine and think it over" said blonde Mary, "this is turning into a swell party."
Cecilia refilled all the glasses, including short Mary's.
"Class is a real grief because of you" she said to short Mary, "Mary is embarrassed because you show her up about her mother, or about not being good at maths. Mandy you are always picking on. Every joke of Abagail's you manage to spoil. Then the boys. Haven't you picked up that Adam, Albert and James are actually interested in the subjects? But every time they manage to get something interesting going you come along and derail it?"
"Who are you to judge?" said short Mary.
"It's not just what Cecilia thinks. It's what we all think." said Abagail. "Now you just cry if you want and you keep on crying. And we'll let you cry until you cry yourself out. There's no Mummy here to protect you. No one cares anything about your parents, in case you haven't noticed."
"Just drink more, and stop caring about yourself so much" said Cecilia.
"Swallow that."
Short Mary obeyed.
"Now drink this" and she poured short Mary another glass.
"I feel sick" said short Mary, and made for the toilet. Indeed, she had drunk too much, and violently vomited.
"Peace" said Cecilia, "just finish this bottle off, and we'll all go back to bed."
So that's what they did.